Control

Its hands tightly gripped my neck. There was no place to go. I saw no way out. The room was dark except for a lightbulb blinking on the far side. I could not tell if I was above or below ground. All I knew was fear—fear of how this would end, fear of what I had become. Fear gripped my chest and choked every breath from my lungs.

There was an acrid smell that made me want to vomit. My mind reeled with questions of how I got to this point. How could life, my life, come to this? All I did was open myself to a relationship I thought was positive, but in the end, all it wanted was control. Now it had it. It controlled every aspect of my life: my money, my relationships, most of which were now broken, and my health. I could get close but stay in control. I was assured of so much that now seemed like a far-off and elusive dream.

With every thought and struggling breath, it tightened until I thought I would pass out. Images of my life passed in front of me. So many opportunities were wasted. So much time was ill-used. All for what? To find myself consumed by this thing that now controlled me. In this moment of desperation, I just wanted someone to help me.

Just as I began to give up and yield myself to the fate I helped create, I felt something. It was foreign to me. It started small but began to grow. I don’t know how to describe it. Maybe it was like a hot shower after being caught in the snow. There was a warmth to it, but something so much more. The warmer I became, the clearer I saw and the more my thoughts made sense. I vaguely began to see an image. I did not fully recognize the person but knew I needed to remember something. A name. A name. What name? Why a name?

As my mind searched for a name, it suddenly squeezed even tighter. I thought I was going to be free, but its hands seared my body, not like warmth but like acid touching my skin. I heard its voice shouting, “You are mine! You are nothing, and you will always be mine.” It was as if I was passing in and out of consciousness. One moment, I felt anticipation; the next, the reality of defeat.

In a moment of lucidness, I screamed, “What is the name?” But no sounds came from me. A wave of searing heat came again and again as it tightened its control.  I began to lose consciousness again; I remembered an image. Nothing but an old dead tree. It was a fearful image as the tree was covered in blood. Pools of blood were all around its base. Though I knew the image should repulse me, the more I focused, the more warmth and clarity came. I shut my eyes, screaming, “I must be free of this.”

When I did, I softly heard a familiar and yet foreign song, quietly at first as if carried by breath. “There is a name I love to hear, I love to sing its worth; It sounds like music in mine ear, The sweetest name on earth. Oh, how I love Jesus, Oh, how I love Jesus, Oh, how I love Jesus, Because He first loved me!”

Every cell in my being was suddenly filled with a beautiful warmth, but this was stronger. With what little strength I had left, I pushed my voice to respond. Somehow, with its fingers still gripping my neck, in a raspy voice, I called “Jesus.”

My body shuddered, not as in death or a violent act, but the loss of control. The loss of my control. I gave up control of my life, all of it—every aspect. The more I gave up my own will, the freer I felt. Silently at first, then, with a rising voice, I cried out for God to take complete control of my life. At that moment, I experienced the total surrender of my control and of the sins that had fought to control me.  In its place, I gave God control.  

My blog today is presented very differently than usual. I sat at my computer, asking God for an illustration, and began to type. Thirty minutes later, these words were on the page. I am not by nature a storyteller or an author of fiction. I feel that God wanted me to present the idea of control this way. Perhaps this reading will hit you differently than usual. Maybe you will be ready to give up your control for God’s control.

To whoever reads this, know that someone or something will control you. It could be your desires, a person who has hurt you, sins, or God. 1 Sam 18:1-12 tells the sad story of Saul ceasing to be controlled by God’s Spirit. In the Spirit’s place, an evil, tormenting spirit came. Why? Because Saul rejected God and clung to his anger, jealousy, and rage. Stop trying to be in control. Give it to God. Let Him be in control of your life.